Thursday, October 18, 2018

Misconceptions (The Collapse of Parenting: Chapter 7)

In this Chapter Dr. Sax addresses some of the common misconceptions that he has found repeatedly arise in his practice and prevent parents from doing the right thing. He says parents are either too strict, too permissive or just right -- that balance is what needs to be struck!

1) The Rebound Effect

Parents fear that if they force their children to behave "virtuously", then when they have some independence they will go wild and do everything they were prevented from doing.

Longitudinal studies discussed in the previous chapter actually "show that, in general, well-behaved kids are more likely to grow up to be well-behaved adults. Kids raised by more permissive parents are more likely to get into trouble as adults: trouble with alcohol, trouble with drug abuse, trouble with anxiety and depression". (Sax, 140)


2) My Child will be a Social Outcast/Unpopular

Parents fear that if they don't let their children do what most others are doing they will be made fun of, socially outcast, etc.

Sax says there are three assumptions at play here:

  • It's important for my child to be popular. You need to first be clear in your mind about what is a priority for you: raising a good person or a popular one. Being popular today "entails unhealthy behavior and attitudes, beginning with a disregard for parental authority" (Sax 146).
  • It's unrealistic for me to hold my child accountable for behavior outside my home. We must teach our children INTEGRITY. This means they are expected to behave outside of home as they do inside and there is nothing wrong with checking up on your child unannounced to teach them this.
  • Parents should find a balance between "too hard" and "too soft". Yes, but this doesn't mean they have to be either strict or loving. This is a major misconception today. Both things are possible and that balance makes "just right" parents.
Do what is best for your child. Do not concern yourself with what other kids or parents say. 

3) My Child's Disrespect is a Sign of their Independence.

It is NEVER acceptable for your child to be disrespectful to you! They can disagree, but their language and tone cannot be disrespectful.  Use dinner time or car rides to have conversation on age appropriate topics of disagreement and teach them how to RESPECTFULLY disagree.

4) My Child's Happiness is Paramount, Even if Different from My Happiness.

"Pleasure is not the same thing as happiness. The gratification of desire yields pleasure, not lasting happiness. Happiness comes from fulfillment, from living up to your potential..." (Sax, 151). Redirecting your child from pleasures such as video-games or selfies may not be easy or fun, but it is your job as a parent to EDUCATE THEIR DESIRE. They may not appreciate it now or even in five years -- but you're job isn't to win their approval it is to do your job as a parent and help them find and fulfill their potential.

5) If I Love My Child, I Must Trust My Child.

False. The rules of love between adults differ from those of love between parent and child. For instance, don't think your child never lies to you. They want to please you and if they have fallen short of that, they will often lie.

6) If I Follow Your Advice, My Child Won't Love Me.

Your job is to raise your child to be the best they can be and your reward is in knowing that you have done your job well -- not from hugs or words of affection. We often seek love that was unfulfilled in our other relationships, in our children but this often comes in the way of doing what is truly best for them out of our fear of losing that love.






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