If you got it, don't flaunt it!

When we flaunt our blessings all over Facebook, Instagram, and the like, 
we are opening them up to the envy and evil-eye of countless people.

If we are truly grateful for them, we will place our foreheads on the ground and thank the One who sent them to us, rather than placing our hands on devices and showing them off to the world like children.

Envy is real.

The evil-eye is real.

And breaking the hearts of those who may not be as blessed, is real. And it invites the Bestower of Blessings to remove them from us...

That is enough to make the heart of anyone who has an inkling of experience as to the fragility of this life, tremble with fear.

Conclusion: Dr. Sax's and My Own (The Collapse of Parenting)

Dr. Sax's Closing Comments

As parents trying to raise our kids right in a culture that is likely to do the opposite. We must:

• Re-evaluate our values.  Popular culture today no longer values character. It values money and fame. It belittles being "ordinary".
• Be willing to parent differently. We must be okay with being uncool.
• Know that our job is to be the authoritative parent not the cool peer -- understand this difference.

Know the challenges and be a wise parent:

• Culture of Disrespect mingled with Live for Now. 
• Introduce your children to a more meaningful worldview.
• Medication in place of tough parenting challenges.
• Resist the pressure unless it is a last resort.
• Over-scheduling our children and ourselves. 
• Take time to smell the roses. Literally.  Teach them that relaxed time with family is far more important than cramming in more activities.

"It is the parent's responsibility not only to feed, clothe, and shelter the child but to acculturate the child, to instill a sense of virtue and a longing for integrity, and to teach the meaning of life according to the parent's best understanding" (Sax 205).

Popular culture has undermined parental authority to do their job and led to an explosion in anxiety and depression for children and teens, and the emergence of a generation of fragile children.

You MUST:

• Assert primacy of parent-child relationship over peers.
• Teach your child that every choice they make has immediate, far-reaching, and unforeseen consequences.
• Teach them the meaning of life as being their truest self -- not their accomplishments, looks or friends.
• Judge your success as a parent by whether your child is on the path to fulfillment, capable of governing their needs and desires not being governed by them.  Don't look at the number of friends they have, their marks or achievements.

Do not be paralyzed by your own shortcomings. Raising a good person is a mandatory assignment -- you have to do your best despite your shortcomings!

My Final Comments

READ. THE. BOOK!!!

This is one of the best and most beneficial books I have read. Allah gives wisdom to whomsoever He pleases. This book is full of guidance and wisdom.  I have done my best to summarize and highlight its message as a reminder for myself as I have read the book it will jog my memory, and for Salik who I have been sharing the book with as I read it. However, reading my notes isn't sufficient. Get the book and read it so that you can benefit from it better and learn from its many stories and examples.

On Sax's final point above, I would say this is very true. We are crippled often by our knowledge of our own shortcomings on the path to being virtuous people. But this attitude harms our children. We must constantly strive to be better and share with our children the fact that we are not perfect and that we desire to be better each day. And that we desire for them to be better than us.

The Third Thing: The Meaning of Life (The Collapse of Parenting: Chapter 10)

When students are asked about the purpose of school they generally tell you this:

1. Work hard in school to get into a good college.
2. Get into a good college so you can get a good job.
3. Get a good job so you make good money and have a good life.

BUT in reality, 1 doesn't always lead to 2; 2 is no guarantee of 3; and 3 is by no means a guarantee of a good life.

We need to give our children a greater reason for education. One that doesn't fall apart so easily. One that has room for failure. Why? Because failure is a reality we all face at some point and often it is the springboard for growth on many levels.

School is a preparation for life. And the purpose of life, in Sax's example, is to do meaningful work, to have a person to love, and a cause to embrace.  

Personally, as a believer, I would say the purpose of life is to know ourselves, so that we may know our Lord and worship Him. And the purpose of an education is expand our minds to be able to understand with greater depth, the awesomeness of our Lord, Mighty and Majestic.

The Second Thing: Enjoy (The Collapse of Parenting: Chapter 9)

Most people will say they enjoy their time with their kids, but when surveyed on a range of enjoyable activities it actually doesn't score very high. Why? Because a lot of parenting is work, but...we need to PLAN FOR FUN. We must have fun with our children.

• Go out into nature.
• No devices at mealtime!
• No headphones in the car.
• Don't multi-task when you're with your child. BE with THEM! This means we have to try to do less ourselves and have our children doing less. Relaxed family time should not be at the bottom of the barrel of priorities. In North America, we have a culture now of boasting about how busy we are and how much we are doing.

Personally, living in the Middle East, I have to say people here really do enjoy their kids a lot more than in North America. There is something about the structure of society here that allows for that.

The First Thing: Teach Humility (The Collapse of Parenting: Chapter 8)

When parents are asked what is most important to them and what they are trying to help their children become, they will usually say they want their children to be happy, fulfilled and kind. When asked how they will do that, they usually don't know how to respond. Often fulfillment is confused with success.  When shown that professional achievement isn't a guarantee of personal fulfillment or life satisfaction, they are at a loss for words.

Sax argues that the first thing parents need to teach their children is HUMILITY!

Why? Because humility has lost its virtuousness in our eyes. We have confused virtue with success and the only real sin for so many of us is failure. The reason is that as a society we have come to think of humility as being self-abasing in a false way -- thinking you are stupid when you in fact you know you are smart. This, Sax says, isn't humility it is psychosis or a detachment from reality.

"Humility simple means being as interested in other people as you are in yourself. It means that when you meet new people, you try to learn something about them before going off on a spiel about how incredible your current project is. Humility means really listening when someone else is talking, instead of just preparing your own speechlet in your head before you've really heard what the other person is saying. Humility means making a sustained effort to get other people to share their views before trying to inundate them with yours." (Sax, 160)

The opposite of this he says, is an inflated self-esteem. "The culture of self-esteem leads to a culture of resentment" because when we are met with failure or a lack of recognition, we are angered. (Sax, 162) 

Conversely, "the culture of humility leads to gratitude, appreciation, and contentment" (Sax, 163).

Children today who are taught their own greatness from infancy, lack gratitude and humility. These are the lost virtues they need BEFORE they are met with disappointment so that they know how to handle it.

In the discussion that follows, one thing Sax emphasizes through stories of patients, is that we should have our children do age-appropriate chores.

The topic of humility in our current culture that is dominated by social media is one of great urgency and I am currently finding The Condemnation of Pride and Self-admiration to be an incredibly pertinent read.

Misconceptions (The Collapse of Parenting: Chapter 7)

In this Chapter Dr. Sax addresses some of the common misconceptions that he has found repeatedly arise in his practice and prevent parents from doing the right thing. He says parents are either too strict, too permissive or just right -- that balance is what needs to be struck!

1) The Rebound Effect

Parents fear that if they force their children to behave "virtuously", then when they have some independence they will go wild and do everything they were prevented from doing.

Longitudinal studies discussed in the previous chapter actually "show that, in general, well-behaved kids are more likely to grow up to be well-behaved adults. Kids raised by more permissive parents are more likely to get into trouble as adults: trouble with alcohol, trouble with drug abuse, trouble with anxiety and depression". (Sax, 140)


2) My Child will be a Social Outcast/Unpopular

Parents fear that if they don't let their children do what most others are doing they will be made fun of, socially outcast, etc.

Sax says there are three assumptions at play here:

• It's important for my child to be popular. You need to first be clear in your mind about what is a priority for you: raising a good person or a popular one. Being popular today "entails unhealthy behavior and attitudes, beginning with a disregard for parental authority" (Sax 146).
• It's unrealistic for me to hold my child accountable for behavior outside my home. We must teach our children INTEGRITY. This means they are expected to behave outside of home as they do inside and there is nothing wrong with checking up on your child unannounced to teach them this.
• Parents should find a balance between "too hard" and "too soft". Yes, but this doesn't mean they have to be either strict or loving. This is a major misconception today. Both things are possible and that balance makes "just right" parents.

Do what is best for your child. Do not concern yourself with what other kids or parents say. 

3) My Child's Disrespect is a Sign of their Independence.

It is NEVER acceptable for your child to be disrespectful to you! They can disagree, but their language and tone cannot be disrespectful.  Use dinner time or car rides to have conversation on age appropriate topics of disagreement and teach them how to RESPECTFULLY disagree.

4) My Child's Happiness is Paramount, Even if Different from My Happiness.

"Pleasure is not the same thing as happiness. The gratification of desire yields pleasure, not lasting happiness. Happiness comes from fulfillment, from living up to your potential..." (Sax, 151). Redirecting your child from pleasures such as video-games or selfies may not be easy or fun, but it is your job as a parent to EDUCATE THEIR DESIRE. They may not appreciate it now or even in five years -- but you're job isn't to win their approval it is to do your job as a parent and help them find and fulfill their potential.

5) If I Love My Child, I Must Trust My Child.

False. The rules of love between adults differ from those of love between parent and child. For instance, don't think your child never lies to you. They want to please you and if they have fallen short of that, they will often lie.

6) If I Follow Your Advice, My Child Won't Love Me.

Your job is to raise your child to be the best they can be and your reward is in knowing that you have done your job well -- not from hugs or words of affection. We often seek love that was unfulfilled in our other relationships, in our children but this often comes in the way of doing what is truly best for them out of our fear of losing that love.

What Matters? (The Collapse of Parenting: Chapter 6)

Bismillah. 

After a delay due to the summer holidays and a move overseas, I have finally had the chance to sit down and continue reading the book that I have been just itching to return to -- and I have devoured the second half of the book so quickly, but will try to now summarize some of the highlights here.

Chapter 6 is the first chapter in Part 2 "Solutions" (Part 1 was "Problems").

This Chapter explores the question of what factor measured in childhood and again twenty years later, is the greatest predictor of happiness and overall satisfaction. Sax offers some possibilities to start the chapter off: IQ, grade point average, self-control, openness to new ideas, or friendliness. The result of long term studies and the new understanding (scientifically) that your personality is separate from how smart you are is that the answer to this question is SELF CONTROL.

The five dimensions of personality:

1. Conscientiousness (self control, honesty, perseverance)
2. Openness
3. Extraversion
4. Agreeableness
5. Emotional Stability

Conscientiousness is the key trait when it comes to predicting happiness and wealth and life satisfaction. (Sax, 117-119).

The chapter is full of studies and examples of why this is proven to be true, even when adjusted for intelligence, race, ethnicity, and education.

I would be reproducing the entire chapter if I was to highlight all the great points made here, the book really must be read. One thing that really stuck out to me was that he says when it comes to smarts, it's better to praise your child's behaviour (that they are working hard) than to link it to their identity (they ARE smart), but when it comes to virtue, it is better to link it to their identity (they ARE kind) because in the first instance they will then fall apart if they don't succeed at something, but in the second, they will identify themselves with those virtues and hold them in esteem.