Why Are So Many Kids So Fragile? (The Collapse of Parenting: Chapter 5)

In the last of the chapters discussing the "problems" today, Sax looks at something that I hear more and more from teachers and professors:

"Many college faculty and staff report a noticeable fragility among today's students. Some describe them as "teacups"-- beautiful, but liable to break with the slightest drop" -- Jean, Twenge, San Diego State University (Sax 93).

• Fragility has become a characteristic of American children and teenagers to an extent unknown 25 years ago (Sax 99).
• Unwillingness to work on something they are weak at, in order improve. Instead, they will avoid such situations where they may fail or look weak.
• Self definitions of greatness resulting in complete breakdowns at the slightest blow to their ego.

"...something inside seems to be missing: some inner strength that we took for granted in young people a few decades back..." (Sax 100).

"I have seen the same process in young adults--more often young men than young women--who come home from college, or drop out of college, to retreat into the bedroom with a computer screen or a video game. That's often the final common pathway which I have observed in twenty-somethings: young people whose dreams don't come true, who then give up, retreat, and return to live with their parents or (if their parents have the means) live separately from their parents but remain supported by their parents." (Sax 100)

• Phenomenon of fragile young Americans who quit easily and have little ambition has huge economic consequences, but the cause isn't economic it is American parenting.
• Weak parent-child relationship.
• Kids need to value their parents opinion first, not that of their peers.
• A good parent-child relationship is robust and unconditional.
• Peer relationships are by nature fragile. This is why if emphasis and value is placed on peer opinions, the child will easily break because the relationship of value is inherently weak.

"That's one reason there has  been an explosion in the prevalence of anxiety and depression among American teenagers, as they frantically try to secure their attachment to other teens, as they try to gain unconditional love and acceptance from sources that are unable to provide it." (Sax 105)

• In other places, people aren't look at as "generations" that creates a gap beween ages. They just do things together as a family.
• Need for commitment to children in public places -- play areas, highchairs, milk/food, nursing rooms, diaper change stations.
• Emphasize primacy of parent-child relationship over peers, academics, and other activities.
• Family only vacations!
• Connecting with adults should be a higher priority than connecting with peers, academics or activities.
• Prioritize extended family and close adult friends in the life of the children.

"Part of your job as a parent is to educate desire. To teach your child to go beyond "whatever floats your boat." To enjoy, and to want to enjoy, pleasures higher and deeper than video games and social media can provide. Those pleasure may be found perhaps in conversation with wise adults; or in meditation, prayer, or reflection; or in music, dance, or the arts." (Sax 109).

•  Educate desire! Teach your values so they don't adopt the values of popular culture!
• Technology and devices further divide generations and undermine parental authority because then peers/friends know more about "important" things than you.

The Upshot

• Fight for time with your child even if it means forgoing extra curricular activities so that meals can be had as a family! Attachment is vital and cannot happen if kids don't see parents and spend time with them! Primary attachments should be to parents not peers!
• Decline in parental authority is directly related to weakening attachments to parents/adults.
• "Failure comes to us all. The willingness to fail, and then to move on with no loss of enthusiasm, is a mark of character. The opposite of fragility...is the willingness to fail. When kids are secure in the unconditional acceptance of their parents, they can find the courage to venture and to fail. When kids value the good regard of their peers or their own self-concept above the good regard of their parents, they lose the willingness to fail. They become fragile." (Sax 113)

Why Are American Students Falling Behind? (The Collapse of Parenting: Chapter 4)

As a teacher, I would say this chapter is very much applicable to Canada as well.

Academic Performance and Creativity  are both on a sharp decline. Why?

• Over investment in technology (tablets, smartboards, laptops).
• The best countries (academically) have classrooms that are "utilitarian and sparse" with old fashioned chalk boards.
• Overemphasis on sports.
• Low selectivity in teacher training.
• Culture of Disrespect.
• Schools seeking to make education cool and fun because it then requires less classroom management.
• No! Solution isn't to make school an arcade. It's to create a culture where students want to please adults, not look cool to peers!
• There is a decline in college degrees and critical thinking barely improves over four years even when they do go to college -- the education is mediocre.

"Simply being exposed to American culture in the interval between 2000-2012--the era of Lady Gaga, Akon, Eminem, Justin Bieber, and Miley Cyrus--might have a corrosive effect on rational thinking (Sax 90)

The Upshot

• Don't jump on the tech bandwagon by being fooled by its proposed "educational value".
• Inculcate the desire to please adults not peers.
• Creativity is necessary for success and academic performance.

Why Are So Many Kids On Medication? (The Collapse of Parenting: Chapter 3)

I have been engrossed in this book every moment I have, but haven't had a chance to sit down and share some of the highlights. Here are some of the main points he makes in Chapter 3, entitled "Why Are So Many Kids On Medication". Moreso than the previous chapters, here the statistics and comments made are based on the USA compared to other nations, however, as a Canadian I still found it very useful even if we statistically rank better than our neighbours to the south.
 

• I cannot restate the number of alarming statistics he provides in this chapter!

The root of the Problem

• Not all bad behaviour needs medication.
• Respect, courtesy, and manners are not longer taught in Kindergarten. This along with the previously discussed "culture of disrespect" means the responsibility of teaching these is (more than ever before) on the shoulders of parents!

Cultural Shift between 1994 and 2003

• Between these years there was a forty fold increase in childhood bipolar  diagnosis.
• Doctors who "discovered"  childhood "rapid cycling bipolar" were paid $4million by the drug companies that produced its medication.
• ADHD, Aspergers, Bipolar all being used for bad behaviour because parents want a quick fix that avoids putting in the work required to change the child's behaviour by asserting authority. This is not the case in Europe -- UK, Germany, Spain.
• My own thought is that this may also have to do with the growing number of families where both parents are working and are too busy/exhausted/guilty to do this.
• Sleep deprivation mimics ADHD almost perfectly!!
• "One of the basic duties of a parent is to ensure that a child gets a good night's sleep..." (Sax 57). The need to assert authority in this regard is most necessary now because of wifi devices that never existed before.
• Dramatic increase in ADHD is because of "the medicalization of misbehaviour" (Sax 61). Instead of correcting kids' bad behaviour parents are more likely to medicate the child with the hope of fixing behaviour.
• "We parents in the United States are not doing our job of enculturation, as I explained in Chapter 1. Neither we the parents, nor the schools, nor the TV shows, nor the Internet are adequately teaching Fulghum's Rules, such as "Play fair./ Don't hit people./ Put things back where you found them." As a result: kids born in the United States are now many times more likely to be diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder, and to be treated with powerful medications, compared to kids living elsewhere" (Sax 61-62).
• At age 20, medications go up and academic achievement goes down.

The Problem

• Instead of removing cell phones and laptops from bedrooms to allow for adequate sleep, parents look to brain based explanations that require medications. Why? Because it shifts the burden of responsibility from parents/child to the doctor!
• It is frightening that medications are being used to modify behaviours!!
• Long term use leads to being disengaged and less motivated to achieve in the real world, obesity, diabetes...

The Solution

"When the teacher and parents exercise their authority, most students will develop better habits and show greater self-control, because the teacher and parents require it, because they expect it, and because the student really cares what they think" (Sax 68).

What to Do

1. Command. Don't Ask.
• ? mark undermines your authority!
• Sometimes with teens you can offer an explanation -- but it isn't to convince or negotiate.
2. Eat Dinner with Your Kids.
• No cell phones, no TV.
• Each dinner counts! Statistically proven! So don't let anything trump dinner together:
• Mistaken North American belief in importance of extra-curricular over family time. Family should be a higher priority!
• Decreases internalizing problems like being sad, anxious, lonely.
• Decreases externalizing problems like fighting, skipping, stealing.
• Decreases obesity in the future.
• Increases likelihood of helping others and being satisfied with life.

Upshot

•  Instead of investing the time to correct bad behaviour we are shifting the burden of responsibility to medications that seriously mess up the future of the child in every way (academically, psychologically, emotionally, physically and spiritually)!
• Family time trumps everything, especially peer-time!

Why Are So Many Kids Overweight? (The Collapse of Parenting: Chapter 2)

Bismillah. As promised in my previous post on Dr. Leonard Sax's insightful book The Collapse of Parenting, here are some notes on Chapter 2 "Why Are So Many Kids Overweight?".

The number of obese and overweight children are on the rise. Even children who are 'slender' are increasingly unfit compared to their counterparts in decades past. 

Three-fold explanation of why:

1. What Kids Eat
2. What Kids Do
3. How Much Kids Sleep

What Kids Eat

• It used to be that parents decided on meals and told their children they would get no dessert unless they finished their meal, veggies and all!
• It used to be that parents enforced a "no snacking between meals" policy.

"Ad lib feeding throughout the day appears to disrupt circadian rhythms, interfering with normal metabolism and disturbing the balance of hormones that regulate appetite" (Sax, p.40).

• In the culture of disrespect where there is no parental authority, however:
• the frequency of pizza, potato chips, fries, ice cream and soda have replaced fruits, vegetables, and milk.
• soda consumption is on the rise, especially in teens
• fast food consumption has increased by 200% over a couple of decades
• Even on short car rides home from school, parents pack snacks for their children. Can children not endure hunger for 30 minutes? Will they die of starvation?

"Kids who have never been hungry will grow up to be heavier; yet psychologically they are likely to be more fragile. They haven't learned to master their own needs" (Sax, p.41).

•  Food choices are the first thing to slide when parental authority is compromised. The ultimatums of previous generations: "no dessert until you finish your broccoli" has morphed into questions like "How about if you eat three bites of broccoli, and then you can have dessert?" or requests for kids to do the parent a "favour" by eating...and the children really believe they've done the parents a favour that must be returned...!

What Kids Do

• Kids are no longer outside playing, but increasingly watching TV or on some screen inside.
• In 1965 the average person watched 10.5hrs/week of television. Today, the average 9 year old has 50hrs/week of screen time and the average teen has 70hrs/week of screen time (!!!)
• Televisions used to be one per household and shared by the family to that it was supervised by parents and often a family pastime. Today, screens are individualized and private, with more and more parents knowing little of what their child is doing or watching on the screen. (Scary!)
• Turn of your screens! Go outside and play with them! Walk to school or the grocery store!

How Much Kids Sleep

• Kids' sleep is on the decline. One major factor is screens in the room that distract children and lead them to delay going to sleep.
• According to the experts this is how much sleep kids need:
• 2-5 year olds: at least 11 hours a day
• 6-12 year olds: at least 10 hours a day
• 13-18 year olds: at least 9 hours a day
• The majority of kids today cite sleep as their favourite pastime. Why? Because they are sleep deprived!
• Less sleep leads hormones that regulate sleep to get messed up and confuse our brain in bad ways. It starts to say "I am tired...I need chips, cookies, cake....NOW!".
• Culture of disrespect is connected to fatter kids because not eating well, not being active/doing chores, sitting at screens. Therefore, the more disrespectful the child, the more likely they are to be fat. There are many studies to prove this.

The Upshot?

Eat Right. Veggies before pizza and ice cream.

Eat Less. Don't supersize. Prepare small servings that need to be completely finished before taking seconds.

Exercise More. Turn off devices. Go outside. Play.

YOU CAN DO THIS! 

 

 

 

Leonard Sax: The Collapse of Parenting

Bismillah.

In a recent talk on nurturing children, Sh. Zahir Bacchus recommended the book The Collapse of Parenting by Leonard Sax. Having previously read Boys Adrift by the same author on the recommendation of Sh. Nuh Keller, I ordered a copy right away. I suggest you do that right now as well!

On the request of Salik, I will post highlights from each chapter when I get the chance, however I highly recommend reading the book itself as it is peppered with real life stories and examples we can learn from.

Chapter One: The Culture of Disrespect

• The purpose of childhood is to teach children the rules of good behaviour and what constitutes good character in our culture.
• In North America and Western Europe, schools began to back out of this responsibility in favour of emphasizing numeracy and literacy. Therefore placing the burden of responsibility to teach this culture more so on parents than ever before.

 

• The second half of the twentieth century saw the empowerment of the previously disenfranchised: people of colour, women, employees, and children.  While the first three give equality to mature adults, the last one takes away parental authority. Without parental authority, deference to parents is gone.

 

• TV shows in the past always depicted parents in a positive role as consistently reliable and trustworthy. Sax examined 150 of today's most popular shows and found that not one of them shows parents in this light -- even on the Disney channel. It is difficult to parent in a culture that is constantly undermining parental authority.

 

• Songs used to be loving and positive, now the vulgar ones make it to number one.

 

• Look at the messages on shirts: "Do I look like I care?", "Is that all you got?", "Out of your league". I even see little children with shirts like "Too cool for school" or "Dad's the boss, Mom is his boss, and I'm their boss". We laugh these off, but the messages are real and affirming the culture of disrespect all around them. As a high school teacher myself, I am shocked at how much vulgarity students insert into their everyday, casual conversations. They refer to friends or beckon them with curse words, and this isn't taken offensively. A child who is taught to have self-respect could never tolerate this or dish it out -- it's not normal, but for youth today it has become normative.

 

• The notion of history being a smooth trajectory of progress is false to say the least. And yet it has trickled into North American society in such a deep seated way that a product need only advertise itself as "new" to be synonymous with "better". This easily transfers to people so that youth is better than being older, which is why elders aren't respected or considered valuable and relevant -- again, undermining parental authority. It's no wonder that North Americans are obsessed with anti-aging products.

"Two hundred years ago, it was reasonable to trust in the future without being utterly stupid. Who can believe in today's prophecies, seeing as we are yesterday's splendid future...'Progress' means, in the final analysis, taking away from man what ennobles him in order to sell him cheaply what debases him."      - Nicolas Gomez-Davila

• Have fun with your kids. Don't let them opt to spend time with friends instead. "Why? Because having fun together is one of foundation of authoritative parenting in the modern world" (Sax, p.28). If fun is only found with friends, they won't want to spend time with adults. Without that time with adults, the culture of respect cannot be imparted.

 

• Parents today want to please their children because of their desire to be loved by them, but this backfires. "The child expects to look up to the parent, to be instructed by the parent, indeed to be commanded by the parent. If the parent instead serves the child, then that relationship falls out of its natural balance" (Sax, p.30)

Upshot of it all? When there is no parental authority, children seek that authority in their peers who are children themselves.

 

 

Feminism...

...seeks to eliminate the feminine.